Crime reporting at its zaniest

Sit back and enjoy the ride while I take you through the wild world of wacky crime reporting! 

Remember, they may report the facts, but I'll report the features!

Coke "Plus"

Even drug dealers have to pay the bills.  Anthony Salinas of Hammond, Indiana was busted selling to an undercover agent.  Talk about your hubris, Salinas charged the agent $240.... $215 to cover the charge for the drugs and an additional $25 to pay for gas. 

His accountant must be so proud!

Victim no Mor-----mon?

This isn't a crime, but it is so zany that it could fit nowhere better than in this section.  As I browsed CNN this morning, I saw the following title: "Message to Mormons:  Stop baptizing Holocaust Victims"  Immediately, my mind raced to California Prop 8 and I thought that the Mormon Church was under attack for something completely ridiculous as a run-off of the aggressions of those who were Pro-Gay marriage and lost thier legal affirmation of that right in California.  Was I right or wrong, you decide?

It seems that the Mormon Church has a been baptizing, by proxy, Holocaust victims.  Now, when I say this, I don't mean that they have been digging up the bones of dead Holocaust victims and baptizing them - I think we all would agree that would be creepy!  What it means is that relatives of Jewish Holocaust victims who have become Mormons are standing in baptismal pools getting baptized for their Holocaust victim relatives as an initiation rite into the Mormon Church. 

The Jewish faith seems to have a real problem with this.  They say that having their Holocaust victims baptized by proxy is taking away from the legitimacy of their Jewish victim status.  I have a real problem with this line of thinking.  For one, you can't take away someone's victim status by giving them an additional status.   I think we would all agree that standing in a garage doesn't make you a car.  The same can be said about the Mormon faith.  Being baptized does signify your standing as a Mormon, but it cannot make you a Mormon.  Furthermore, as a Holocaust victim, a relative "standing-in" for you cannot take away the fact that you died in a horrific concentration camp.

Growing up, I was exposed to both the Baptist and Catholic faiths.  In the Baptist faith, once you die, its a done-deal.  You're dead and any soul-saving opportunities died with you.  If you didn't get saved before you died, its game over.  In the Catholic faith, we pray for our dead that they will be received by God.  Our prayers for the dead are just prayers.  They cannot guarantee that our relatives will get to Glory but they can give our relatives comfort on their journey.  Our prayers also comfort us in the knowledge that our dead will be with God.  I think that the same can be applied to this situation.  Lets take this situation to the extreme.  Lets say that baptism in the Mormon faith does guarantee eternal life from everlasting-to-everlasting.  Lets just say that a current relative wants that for their Holocaust victim relative.  What's so bad about that?  The Holocaust victim will still be known as a victim and the Mormon relative will feel comfort and have prayers and signs of positive energy going towards their relative-victim.  I think we can all agree, that even in the stronger sense - that baptism did make the dead victim a Mormon, that individual still died as a Holocaust victim. 

Rant over.  The Mormon church has said that it will remove the names of its baptized by-proxy Holocaust victims and if they are successful, other living victims will be satisfied. 

Is this going to far?  Do Holocaust victims have the right to tell future-generation Mormons that they can't honor their dead in the way that they want to?  Do Holocaust survivors have control over who a dead-victims survivors are going to be?  Is the Jewish faith pushing it a little too far this time - or is the Mormon faith disrespecting the rights of Holocaust victims.

On a personal note, when I die, I will be going to Heaven.  I know why I will be going to Heaven and I will know how I got there.  However, I do believe in comforting prayers for the dead.  So, if a thousand people show up at my funeral and they all want to pray for my soul, I hope that they do!  After all, Heaven may end up being like a rush-hour laden  final destination on the Capitol Beltway and I may need some comfort trying to navigate through the gridlock!

How to Outsmart a Thug

Alan Heuss was minding his own business in Columbus, Ohio when he was car jacked.  The carjackers took his BMW, cash, and his cell phone.  A distraught Alan called the police and filed a report.  Seeking solace, he went to his friends.  One of his friends, who should be given a badge and a retirement plan with the Columbus police department came up with an incredible idea. 

Since the carjackers had taken Alan's phone, they would probably at least look at any text messages that he had received.  The friend went about sending Alan a text about a party in the wee hours of the next morning with hot chicks and drugs.

The overly greedy carjackers took the bait and showed up at said party.  Unfortunately for them, they did so in Alan's stolen BMW.  To add to their misfortune, they didn't find any hot chicks or drugs - just cops!

Good job Alan and friends!  Way to take down the stupid greedy thugs!

What won't a mommy do?

Doreen Giullano didn't think her son, John Giuca, murdered Mark Fisher in 2003.  She sat close to her son, John, through the entire trial and got a good look at the jurors.  When John was convicted, Doreen took justice into her own hands.  She scoped out those jurors and went about winning friends and influencing people. Her performance would have brought tears to the eyes of Dale Carnegie! 

After patient "stalking", Doreen found her target in 33 year old juror Jason Allo.  This old mom had to do some fixing up to become Allo's friend  She dyed her hair, got a tan, changed her wardrobe to "sexy" and her name to "Dee Quinn".  This married mom went as far as to move into an apartment in Allo's building. 

The new Dee Quinn was a quick study and chatting Allo up wasn't as hard as some would think it was.  When she was "stalking" Allo, she discovered that he had a cat that looked out of his apartment window everyday.  She decided that she would have to tell Allo that she was a cat lover.  (Trust me, if you're a cat lover, you know this is an easy starter conversation for another cat-lover).  In a "chance" meeting on the street with Allo, she divulged that she was a transplant from California (which means she also had to work on her New York accent), and that she was looking for a friend.

Over time, she and Allo became very close and she eventually ferretted out of him the fact that he knew of her son before the trial, the rough crowd he rand with, and the fact that he had watched coverage of the trial during his time as a juror on the trial.  OOPS!

Armed with this information, mommy has run to the authorities, and Allo will no doubt be explaining his actions to an appeals court.

While Allo is on Encyclopedia Brown for not being able to put 2 and 2 together or keeping his mouth shut about the truth, Doreen Giullano should get an Academy Award for her Class A performance!

Allo now says that he should have never been on that jury.  Thank you very much, Captain Obvious!

ATM vs Bobcat vs Cliff

Attention!  Leavenworth, Kansas, I think you are the homeland of one serious dumb-ass. 

Someone in Leavenworth, Kansas stole a Bobcat from a construction site.  He then proceeded to take the Bobcat to an ATM, hook the ATM up and drive away with it.  His plan was to take the ATM to a cliff, drop the machine over the cliff, and collect the money upon the machine's ultimate demise.

Unfortunately, jackass got pulled over the cliff WITH the ATM while inside the Bobcat.  Police found the guy in serious condition, but say that he will live.

Perhaps, on future attempts, he should find out what the weight of a Bobcat is AND the weight of the ATM before attempting this stunt!  He should also figure out how to operate the Neutral gear on the Bobcat and get out before the drop!  Ah well, hindsight is 20/20!

Here's a clue - GRAVITY ALWAYS WINS

(as a side note, the police think that the guy spilled nails all the way down the street by the ATM to bust up the cops tires.  How come he didn't use the same type of foresight in his ATM robbery attempt?)

Udderly Embarassing!

My readers know that I absolutely cannot resist the opportunity to make a bizarre statement or ask the question that nobody else is asking.   

This one isn't particularly about Michelle's cow udders being attached to a 2nd picture in the mug shot but the sheer curiosity of how such an addition to the mug shot will help the prosecutor in any future cases. 

By the way, Michelle is headed to the pokey for one month.  Even she says that she's guilty.  What else could she say, she is wearing udders in the middle of a public street! 

If only Gateway would hire Michelle back. 

A man and his kiddie porn. What's not to love?

Richard from New Jersey loves Kiddie Porn.  He loves it so much that he was fortunate enough to some how find his way on to John's private mailing list.  Oh Richard - you lucky lucky lucky guy!

One day, Richard opens his mailbox to find a personal invitation from John to buy some Kiddie Porn from his private collection.  John is very scared that Richard might be a law enforcement officer and asks Richard to send him a card indicated his request for the Kiddie Porn catalog and verification that he is not a law enforcement agent.

STOP THE PRESSES!

Smart people in the room, please!  Pay attention here!  We've all seen that episode of Cops where the vice cop dresses up as a clown and drives a used minivan around town solicitating female prostitutes.  Before every bust, Bobo the Clown tries to throw the unsuspecting prostitute off of his tracks by asking her if she's a cop.  The girl always feels uneasy but goes along with the scheme because her reward is at hand - $$Money, Cash, Dollars....Moolah$$  For those who haven't caught on by now, John is a Fed and Richard is the bait.  Well, honk his nose and spank his @$$, he's got a good one on the line here!

(Now back to our story....)

Richard, eager for the Kiddie Porn, sends John a note back asking for the catalog.  John sends a catalog with some of the most disgusting Kiddie Porn descriptions imaginable.  (Even I had to play the skip-a-line, skip-a-line game while reading this garbage)  John asks for payment by money order or concealed cash and again asks Richard to verify that he is not a law enforcement agent.

A little while goes by, John doesn't hear from Richard.  He sends him a note.  Richard sends one back that he'll be making his catalog order soon.  One day, via email, Richard informs John that he now has a P.O. Box and that he will be mailing the check soon.  He wants John's mailing address again.  He also takes John up on a digital copy of his catalog.   After all, while Richard is racking up charges, he might as well throw in some federal interstate crimes into the deal. Nothing like a digital fingerprint :)  Through each interaction, they ask one another if they are cops - each one says "No" (of course) each time.  At this point, Richard is in really deep, but he could use his gut-feelings to mitigate some charges for goodness sake!

Eventually, Richard ponies up the dough - a sum total of $180 - for the purchase of 9 videos with young pre-teen and teen girls in them.  He got quite a deal on them, as they were priced at $25/piece OR 3 for $60.  What filthy scum of the earth wouldn't want to take advantage of a sale???!!!

John takes his time cashing the money order.  As a matter of fact, he doesn't cash it at all.  About five weeks after Richard sends the money, he sends John a note basically saying that he wants to call the whole deal off and asking for John to forget that he ever knew him.  John explains that he didn't mean to take so long and that the order is on its way.

The rest of this story is textbook...Richard shows up to pick up his Kiddie Porn at the designated P.O. Box and the Feds are on him like white on rice. 

Don't believe this is true?  Read the hot and steamy details yourself.